Friday, January 9, 2009

Past Future Now

Shells from an unused still-life

Brrr …

It’s 19 degrees outside, and all I want to do is huddle under my blanket, and think silly thoughts. Or, read "erotica". Yeahhh - let's go with silly thoughts.

Like …

How far back into the past must we go to find the answers we seek about ourselves?

If I ask myself why I am who I am, should I look at the circumstances, the pursuits, the relationships, the yearnings that populate me now for guidance, or must I look to those visceral experiences of my childhood for the markers?

Behaviorists inform us that all we are is patterned in our childhood. So, was it the womb of my family that formed me bold and shy? Was it the tumbling over the handlebars of my ten-speed that nutured a tolerance of pain in all its forms? Was it the discussions, musings, and readings with my mother that tattooed me a romantic? Was it the distance of my father that drew me aloof at the most (in)opportune times? Was it the surrounding fields and woods that planted a favorite, quiet peace in my heart? Was it the sex and drugs and rock and roll? Was it the national "story" that filled me with optimism, regardless of circumstances and situations? Or, was it some soul-seed, immeasurable and undeniable, planted deep in the untraceable territory within, that programmed the essence of me?

And, what does that mosaic of experience mean to the future? Are our patterns carved so deeply, that they are inescapable (like a maze or a comfortable blanket)? Are the roads we travel programmed into our heads like last week’s GPS, or tarot card reading, or astrological chart, or clairvoyant? Or is it all just so much regurgitation of who we are?

We are our own continuum, straggling off into the distance on both ends.

And, this “now” we trumpet as the righteous goal of all who seek some self-actualized Nirvana of “comfortable-in-my-own skin”? It’s just another moment, perhaps particularly valuable as a respite, and – if we pay attention – gifted with precious clarity, but really just another snippet, pregnant with who we are.


fellow traveler said...

Wow - no silly thoughts here! This post is deep and rich. It's like you've been huddled with me thinking my thoughts and picking my brain. At this juncture of my life I too have asked, how far back do I have to go in order to go forward? And is it really in my past? Can my 17 year old self describe it? Or is it buried and carried deep within me right now?

I know my past with it vagary experiences - including sex, drugs and rock and roll! - have brought me to this place and this time. My question now ... is my future a blank page waiting for me to write on or is it simply connecting the dots of a picture already in place? hmmm, I wonder.

I just looked out the window in time to see my neighbor drive by in his DeLorean (yep, he actually owns one and it actually runs)-- a sign? I guess it's Back to the Future! Ha! ~Pat

rebecca said...

Miss Felicia,

I think we are all an amalgam of our life's experiences and connections. We are birthed from our mother's wombs with our own inherent natures and then the nurturing by the many - good, bad or indifferent - begins. And this does not end until the day we die. I believe we continue morphing into different selves throughout our journey here.

As always, another well-written, good fodder for thought!

((hugs)) my sista!

CoyoteFe said...

Greetings, Pat!

Loved the thought: is the future a blank page, or connect the dots? We seem to always portray the future as an empty vista, but how could it be? Even when we re-invent ourselves, we never start from scratch. Probably a good thing, since we keep riding the same cycles over and over again as it is.

And, a Delorean? That runs? Besides the fact that I probably need to move to a more interesting neighborhood, you've got to love teh serendipity!


I always wonder about the combination of nature and nurture. It becomes so critical when souls land in a bad place. Was it something they brought with, or something visited upon them by those pledged to protect them? And, we cannot even wish for a formula to guide us, becaused we'd end up as a sea of grey drones. (sigh) Luckily (I think) the light has time on its side. Your concept of our morphing into different SELVES is a strong one. As if we have an over-self, beneath which develops a string of selves to ... what? Learn lessons, move forward? Hmmm...

Anil P said...

In most parts we are what we yearn for and other times what we despair of.

CoyoteFe said...

Greetings, Anil!

Oh my - that's true, isn't it? We always think about the attributes we wish to cultivate and attempt to represent, but too often we end up doing just the opposite. And, worse, we don't recognize it until we are far down the road. Thank you!